Content Warning: Depression, Mentions of Suicide Attempts, other mental health stuff, vaguely sexual flirting
This is a story that goes all the way back to April 2021. If you’re close friends with me you have probably heard this story (or pieces of it), but now that I have fully processed and moved on from it I think it’s okay to write down a simplified and shortened version for public reading.
I used to think love was a nebulous and frivolous thing, because it was something I had seen to only bring suffering. When I was very young my parents got divorced, which most of the issues of my early life stemmed from. My mom remarried, and so did my dad. Later, my dad got divorced again, which was something that I had (at least partially) blamed myself for (but I think I have addressed that with my therapist). Also, my mother and stepdad’s marriage has been strained for years. On top of all that, stories of not-immediate family having messy separations and divorces was something I regularly overheard at family gatherings. I had no reason to believe romantic relationships ultimately ended in anything but those involved getting hurt. Additionally, I’ve felt for a long time that I am not fond of being touched or touching people, which made me think that romantic relationships were simply not for me.
But, there was someone in my life who made me feel loved and appreciated, not out of familial obligation, but out of (assumedly romantic) interest in me. She was invested in me and my growth. Unfortunately, I had to cut her out of my life. But all the same, through her I learned what love is, and what I was missing in my life, and I greatly appreciate that. This is that story.
She was my Smash coach, although she would have insisted I called her “Senpai”. I met her on a Smash-focused Discord server. Her introduction to the server, in a text channel, was saying that she was really bad at the game. I had seen people do this many times before on many servers, and I find that they just need a little encouragement. I offered to play with her and hopped in voice chat. It was quickly apparent that she did not suck at the game. I didn’t really realize but she started giving me advice, which was a very welcome change to how the other people I played with in that discord talked to me; everyone complained about my “lame” playstyle, my character, or projectiles. I became friends with her and wanted to play with her regularly.
At one point she got muted in the discord because she had “bad takes” regarding Smash character’s tier list placement. (For the record, having bad takes about character strengths and weaknesses was never against the discord server’s rules). She tried DMing and even calling the admin who had muted her, clearly upset at the injustice, so as her friend as well as a moderator on that discord I tried to get her to talk to me instead. I DM’d her and tried to get her to calm down.
That night she had really opened up to me about her trauma and mental illnesses, which was pretty surprising, but I wanted to be a friend, so I heard her out (over direct message text chat). A long conversation was had and she got into why it is that she plays Smash. She wanted to get good at the game – really, really good; internationally known – so that she could get the attention of her (girl?)friend who had actually gone missing. And she wanted to bring her friends – me included – to the top.
I was very inspired by her and her dream. I know people personally that are internationally recognized as good Smash players – I didn’t think it was out of the question that she could become a notable name in her region. She was determined to improve herself and help others. We played frequently and she gave me advice constantly. She was not afraid to call out my bad habits in-game. On several occasions we stayed up late talking about Smash and improving. It was nice. I believed in her and her dream, and that she would help me.
I’m pretty sure she had a crush on me, or even if she didn’t, she was insistent on flirting with me throughout the time that I knew her. Some of the things I recall her saying are her calling me “hot”, saying I looked like Jesus, calling my appearance “poggers”, sending flirty/suggestive/lewd anime GIFs, and even going so far as to compare playing Smash against me to being satisfied after having sex. I guess it doesn’t really get more on the nose than that. I didn’t have feelings for her, but it did feel good to feel appreciated by someone who was so invested in helping me grow my skills in my passion.
That said, our friendship was not all wholesome. In fact, it was pretty difficult for me at times. I’ll spare you the details, but she went offline for weeks on several occasions, twice because had attempted to end her life. I strongly encouraged her to get psychological help, multiple times, but she insisted on playing Smash. She believed getting better at the game would improve her mental health. It was clear that she didn’t want psychological help. She did ask me to be there for her – and I said that I could do that, and I definitely tried. But there was only so much I could do, because I’m not a mental health expert. I was worried about her safety and wellbeing regularly enough that it greatly stressed me out and affected my life.
I think I handled it well and maturely. Those I’ve shown the chat logs to tell me that I did everything right. Each time something happened that made her go offline for an extended period of time, I communicated that I was worried about her and that I wanted her to seek help. But after, she always wanted to pick right back up where we had left off with Smash training. After the fourth disappearance, I had to put up a boundary, for my sake: that I could not keep being friends with her if she continued to show disregard for her wellbeing and my concern for her. She did not react well to me communicating this boundary. I tried to lighten the mood by changing the conversation to Smash, and trying to continue our friendship in the direction that she wanted (which was to play Smash). Honestly, I shouldn’t have done that – it was selfish of me to still seek her coaching when she was in a poor mental state.
Shortly after I put up that boundary, she broke it. She told me that she was “done” and “over”. She set her discord name to “Bye” (or something along those lines – she did this each time she vanished for weeks) and went offline again. The next day, I sent the message that I couldn’t be friends with her anymore. I genuinely wished her the best. But I had to block her. That was early-mid September 2021.
I had been practicing with her for Low Tide City 2021, which was to take place on October 1st. From the time that I blocked her to the time that that big tournament took place, I trained myself very intensely, using what was left of the motivation she had given me. The emotional strain of cutting her out of my life no doubt contributed to my burnout from Smash – something I didn’t mention in that blog post titled “Burnout”. Actually, I’ve alluded to this person very vaguely across different blogposts. She was a big part of my Smash experience for the time that I was friends with her. I wanted to process what had happened with her before telling this story, which I think I have done.
I actually unblocked her and sent her a message one last time on New Year’s Day in an attempt to make sure we weren’t on bad terms. I didn’t want to be friends again, but I hate the idea of people hating each other for the rest of their lives, so I wanted to make sure that wasn’t the case. That didn’t go too well (she blocked me after this), but oh well:
Despite all of this, when we were friends, I felt loved. She made me feel loved. She cared about my growth and improvement, and wanted to foster it, for no reason other than her own dream and kindness.
Part of me processing all of this was realizing that, while I do consider myself asexual, I do like being flirted with, and I started to believe that romantic relationships were something I was interested in. I started to believe in love, and that it wasn’t some frivolous fairy tale. I realized what romantic love was to me. Since then, I have been on dates and have been learning a lot about myself as well as the people I’m romantically interested in. ♥
I’m really grateful I met her.
Senpai, if you are somehow reading this, first of all know that I still have respect for you and all that you did for me. Thank you. Secondly, if you object to any of the content on this page or if you want this post taken down, please contact me, and I will fulfill your request, no questions asked.
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