All things considered, life is going well for me right now, but, despite that, I continue to have a worsening feeling of dissatisfaction.
I like to think I like my job, but one half of it is emotionally draining and the other half is mentally draining. I’m still part-time, but without getting into my exact schedule I am spending at least 40 hours a week out and about. I am going to seek out reducing that – I am running low on energy to do important “adulting” activities (like how I completely neglected to get an oil change until I had no other choice), not to mention not having any energy to find social avenues…
The root of my dissatisfaction, I think, is going from having gone from having kind of social life to not really having one at all. I go to work and school and not really anywhere else. Smash gave me a lot of “life” so to speak, before October of last year when that thing happened to me. And so did dating, and although it hasn’t worked out with anyone, I look forward to meeting and learning about more people. However, recently the whole idea of attraction is making me feel rather disgusted.
(excerpt from an Instagram post)
Unfortunately, the way I present is highly fetishized, but it’s just fashion for me. I do experience romantic attraction, but it has been difficult to navigate dating in this world of hookups. I feel disrepected at times. People have expressed their interest in me explicitly, and those that aren’t explicit out of the gate tend to lose interest once my lack of interest in sex comes up.
I’m getting a few creepy messages here and there as well. Fun!
Anyways, I would love to have another regular (weekly, if possible) commitment like Smash. I’ve strongly considered hosting local Splatoon 3 events, but as I’ve learned more about the competitive infrastructure for that game, I’ve come to the conclusion that the game isn’t really played locally, unlike fighting games, and that was a bold assumption on my part. Still, if such an event could draw enough interest, I’m sure it would be super fun.
On top of feeling like the social aspect of my life is missing, I’m fairly sure I have some form of body dysmorphia. Thinking about fashion comes with thinking about your body and how you wish it could be. It’s possible I’ve always had some form of dysmorphia, thanks to that chest deformity and surgery that followed…
I am generally happy. I’m in a good position in my life. I have a lot to be thankful for. I have enough money to start expressing myself like I want. But I don’t have a social life anymore and it’s starting to hurt.