I’m so fake in my day-to-day life.
I learned what it’s like to not have to be. I learned what it’s like to have someone appreciate you for who you actually are. But I don’t get that regularly, and often when I try, I am judged. I have to put on a mask to find affirmation. I’m a people pleaser, but I don’t want to be. I don’t want to have to be. I don’t want to have to be fake to see any kind of affirmation or positivity towards me. I want to be me.
Through unnecessary comments and microaggressions, it’s not hard to tell that most of the people in my life would not be accepting of the “real me” so to speak. I mean, I won’t actually know for certain until I try, but the amount of pushback I’ve gotten from just a few people makes me not want to try, you know? I shouldn’t have to explain or justify my behavior if it isn’t harming anyone and it makes me happy.
I’ve had a strong desire to reinvent my social life for almost two years now. I’ve got to find it.
Affirmation was easy in my childhood. I just had to follow the rules and “be smart”. But I don’t want my affirmation to be dependent on what others want from me. I want others to affirm me for what I want from me.