I’m sure I’ve mentioned it before, but the sense of touch has been difficult for me in my life. I mostly attribute this to having had chest surgery, sensory sensitivity of autism, and just being an independent person. I had always found the rituals of greetings and farewells like hugging and shaking hands to be awkward at best and and actively painful at worst.
However, this has changed recently. As of a few weeks ago, I am in a romantic relationship. My first exclusive one ever, to be honest – but I’m not going to write detailed descriptions of personal business here – I just want to describe the shift in how I feel about the sense of touch.
When people – in general – go to touch you for a hug or maybe a pat on the back, it is not done with much consideration for how it makes the subject feel. And more often than not, you are expected to just return the action without agreeing to do it in the first place. Like I said, it’s a ritual. It’s done to demonstrate something, like “this is a greeting” or “you did a good job”. And I still don’t understand why that can’t be achieved with just words.
Before my partner gave me any kind of affection, she asked if that was okay to do. I was unsure at first. I remember saying “you can try” at least once. And we did have to figure out boundaries (for example, be careful around and about my surgery scars). But I learned to enjoy touch. My perspective seemed to shift. I realized affectionate touch is far different than ritualistic, social touch – but I would have had no way of knowing that.
And yet, I still have my reservations about it…
I’m actually having a lot of alexithymia about giving physical affection. It makes sense, considering I never sought it out until now, to have difficulty describing my emotions about it to myself and others. I have spoken to friends and my therapist about it, but I have yet to find the kind of “meaningful” answer that I want. I am unsatisfied with the explanation that we are just animals and wanting to give and receive affection is just how our brains work (which I accept to be true, very generally, since people and cultures are so different and all). My partner said she gives me affection because she wants me to feel loved, which probably explains why I want to give it too, but again, I don’t understand why that can’t be achieved with just words. I don’t know why there’s only a single person in the world I want to kiss, but I do know that I want to do it. I just wish I could be satisfied with “because I want to”.